Dear Yara,
I know you may never read this, for it seems that our paths have long since diverged, but I feel compelled to write this — not just for you, but for the both of us. Although we haven’t spoken in some time now, I still think about you, Rob, the guild…I think of everything and everyone very fondly. I’m not sure if I’m writing this for the cathartic release of my inner emotions, as a tribute to the best years of my life, or because I have an inkling of hope that this is nothing more than a temporary nightmare. Whatever the reason, I just feel like I have to, so here goes.
You were both the sister and best friend I never had. Whenever something exciting happened in my life, you were the first person I wanted to share it with. Whenever I felt sad, I wanted to talk to you. As you can imagine, losing someone like you isn't easy — it's like losing a large part of myself. My life out there is nothing like it was in game. It’s much lonelier. I’m much less expressive; much less talented. No one has ever wanted to spend time with me much longer than a few hours, let alone all day, every day, for seven consecutive years. You made the game for me. I’d never had a best friend until you — and now that you’re gone, I wonder if I’ll ever find another one. And if I do, will they be anything like you?
Not that I think that’s your responsibility. I’m in charge of my life, my decisions, and I should learn to accept that I cannot control who is and isn’t in my life. I suppose, I thought we might have been different than the others. Remember when we'd jokingly say that we’d be grinding our dailies as old ladies? Although we always said it playfully, part of me believed it. I cherished it. If someone didn’t understand the context, they might think we’d just broken up — why else would I feel so heartbroken after losing someone? To be honest, I think that’s a testament to how much you meant to me. I think no partner’s absence would ache like yours does.
To be honest, and a bit cringe, not a day goes by without memories of our time together colouring my daydreams. I miss it all. I miss our first meeting. The way you so bravely sent me a whisper, asking to be friends. I miss the pizza story (it still makes me giggle when I remember it, although I can’t help but tear up whenever I think about it these days). I miss getting our butts kicked by LoD. I miss Rob saving us. I miss raid nights. I miss the personal jingle that sounded whenever you sent me a message. I miss that funny period during the loading screen, where I could hear our jingle, but couldn’t respond because I was stuck in the loading screen. You’d playfully ask why I was taking so long to respond, when in reality I just needed a PC upgrade. I miss the guild we built. I miss the laughter and stupidly hilarious conversations in gchat. I miss when we’d stay up during the Christmas break, sometimes until sunrise. I miss you wishing me a happy birthday. Most of all, I miss you.
Part of me wonders why you left the way you did. I suppose you don’t owe me an explanation, but I just wonder if I did something wrong. Maybe you drifted away because of something I did, or said…or maybe it was something I didn’t do or didn’t say. Another part of me wonders if something terrible happened in your life — something you couldn’t share with me. I felt as though I could share anything with you. Perhaps you never felt the same. If that’s the case, then I’m sorry for not making you feel as though you could share things with me. I really am.
Whatever the reason, I wish you’d have taken the time to say goodbye. That hurts the most. Losing you was bad enough, but now my memories of our time together are coloured not just by sadness, but by anger and grief. I want to remember things fondly, and I often do, but something deep within me lashes out whenever I remember our fondest memories. I feel disrespected. I feel like you threw me away. I feel like you lied to me when you said you never wanted to quit after Rob left. It hurts because, it’s like the seven years we spent as besties meant more to me than it did to you. Maybe I’m misinterpreting it, but that’s just how it feels. And I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.
But, I’m not writing this to guilt you…I just want you to know that, despite all the pain, I love you in the deepest platonic sense. That love has left a huge hole in its absence. Not just in my life, but in the game, too. It’s quiet and empty online these days. The magic’s gone. The guild has disbanded (I guess you were the glue holding it together lol). So, I think it’s time for me to join you, Rob, and everyone else out there. It’s time to get up out of this seat and experience the world for what it is. There are so many things that I want to do. Things the game meant I couldn’t.
I want to travel the world, and see all its beautiful sights. I want to enjoy the sunny days, not spend them behind a computer screen. I’m going to pursue my passions. I’m going to write a book, find love, maybe even start a family. In a funny way, you leaving in the way you did made me realise that I can take nothing for granted. I’m just lucky enough to have learnt this while I’m still young enough to have an entire life ahead of me. So, thank you, for changing my life, for seven beautiful years of true friendship, and for the push I need to get out there and live my life.
Please remember, you’ll always have a place in my life and my heart. Wherever you are, I hope you live a wonderful life, and I hope you sometimes think of me too.
With love,
Ilya
Last login: 142 days ago